Kylee

I've had a fear of having a student die even before I even became a teacher. At one point during my schooling, I stopped working on my college classes after a traumatic event happened with a student while I was employed at the elementary school in Salmon, because this fear became so great. One of my coworkers at the time (who later became my mentor teacher during my student-teaching experience) expressed to me that my influence on the children I teach is all I should focus on--rather than the fear of the unexpected--and to not give up on my education for fear of their death, because I would be missing out on experiences with them while they were living and under my care. I thought a lot about her words. After pausing my college education for a couple of months, I got back on track, and finished the requirements to get my Bachelor's Degree in Elementary Ed. 

The first job I had after obtaining this degree was in Mud Lake at the West Jefferson School District. I taught 2nd grade for 3 years and 3rd/4th grade for 1 year. My last two years there were interesting--the pandemic resulted in ending school in March of 2020, rather than May. I still taught online via Zoom, and through weekly packets that we sent home with the children for the rest of the schoolyear. That was the last year I taught 2nd grade. The following year, I had some of the same students in my 3rd/4th grade split class. We had lots of new protocols in place (another result of the pandemic). My final year in West J was a special year--the students had a greater appreciation for being in school after being home-bound for so long--and having a split class was a unique experience for them. They were grateful for normalcy, and truly bonded more so than any other class I'd ever taught before. It was the greatest teaching year of my life to this date.

One of the students I had the opportunity to teach in those final 2 years was Kylee. I taught her in 2nd grade, and then again in 3rd. She was a wonderful student. Because I've never had daughters of my own, I really value when I have students who feel like daughters to me. Kylee was one of those students. She asked me deeper philosophical questions, she made me laugh, she appreciated my sense of humor, she was always gifting me sweet little notes, and we got along so well. I treasure the moments I had with her, especially now that she's gone. 

She chose to research Sacajawea for our class Historical Museum.
She LOVED Sacajawea!

At the young age of 10, Kylee unexpectedly passed away this past summer. The shock of her death really hit me hard. I've mourned her absence, and her family's loss, tremendously the past several months. My fear of having a student pass away became a reality, but I am SO grateful that I took the advice of my coworker and didn't give up on my schooling, because I never would've become Kylee's teacher. I'm incredibly blessed for the special times we shared together, and I'll be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to teach her, and not just for one year, but two! I'm thankful I got to spend time with her, pre- and post- COVID, because I was able to see the growth in her and how she matured through the ordeal. 

One of the hardest things for me about being a teacher is saying goodbye to the students at the end of the year. After we've spent so much time together, it's hard to let them go, knowing that our relationship will never be the same. There are very few students who've still maintained that relationship with me, and one of them was Kylee. After I moved away from West J at the end of her 3rd grade year, I returned to West J a few times, mostly for athletic events. EVERY SINGLE TIME she would see me in the stands, she would run up and hug me, and we would have a great, honest chat about how everything was going. The last time I saw her was in May of her 4th grade year (this past spring). I went to her school to watch her class perform a play about Lewis and Clark. I had to go to Kanyon's district track immediately afterwards, so I went early to say hi to the students before their production. As soon as I walked into the school, Kylee saw me and ran up and hugged me, and told me all about her part in the play, then took me to her classroom to introduce me to all the new students in her grade that I'd never met before. This girl was so vivacious, and outgoing, and cheerful, and she always made me feel special when I was in her presence, even after I moved away. 

She wrote a report about Sacajawea and read it at the beginning
of the 4th grade Lewis & Clark play.

In mid-July, on the same day that we took the twins to the temple for the first time, Kylee experienced a veinous stroke. She was having a bad headache and felt nauseous all day, and then started throwing up and having involuntary leg movements that evening. Her mom took her to the E.R., and they did a CT-scan and found a blood clot and bleeding on her brain. She stopped speaking after the test, and was immediately flown to Primary Children's Hospital in SLC that night. 

The next morning, the bleeding had worsened and the blood clot was larger, so the doctors removed the left side of her skull to release pressure and allow her brain to swell. Over the next two weeks, it was an emotional roller coaster for everyone, as the doctors and nurses did what they thought was best to save her. It was a delicate balance of using blood thinners to try and diffuse the blood clot and lessen the pressure on the brain, but the thinners increased more brain bleeding and complications. She was induced into a coma to help give her brain a break, but then it was hard to know what the full effects of her brain activity were as a result. Her blood pressure had been so high for so long, and the blood clot had blocked the blood flow for too long, and when she was slowly brought out of the coma, her parents learned that she had significant damage to the left side of her brain, and that she had zero chance of having a normal life after this. Her parents were informed that Kylee would most likely be in a vegetative state as a result. They were forced to make the worst decision of their lives; and ultimately decided to wean Kylee off her paralytic medicines, and pull out her breathing tube. They entrusted Heavenly Father and Kylee with this decision; having faith that miracles could happen, but also having a plan to donate her organs if not, because that's what Kylee would have wanted.  

I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in all my life. I was sending vocalized prayers to heaven probably every 15 minutes every single day that she was in the hospital. I prayed for her to improve. I prayed for her family to have strength to endure this trial. I prayed that her parents would feel our love to sustain them. I just wanted her to be better, and to be free of this pain. I knew she was a fighter, and I believed that a miracle on her behalf could occur. I clung to that hope until the last few days of her life, when her parents were faced with the results of her severe brain damage. Suddenly I felt differently about Kylee's future. I knew that her parents had made the right choice, and my prayers instantly changed from healing her, to helping them feel peace. I prayed non-stop for her mom and dad and siblings, knowing that this unspeakable tragedy would change their lives forever. 

I had checked my phone every morning and night since her stroke happened, always looking for the next update. When her mom gave the final update, even though I knew deep down that this post was inevitably approaching, I still felt breathless and in utter dismay. I couldn't grasp the reality of the situation and I wept non-stop for hours. 

I couldn't believe my vivacious, take-charge, thoughtful, kind, energetic, loving student was gone. At the young age of 10, she lived and loved so fully. We had so many heartfelt conversations during the 2 years I taught her, which I truly treasure; she was wise beyond her years. She was a giving soul, bestowing so many drawings and notes and gifts upon me. Her greatest gift, though, was her love, which she never held back. She was ALWAYS the first to greet me with excited hugs at school and sporting events, which brought so much joy to my heart, especially after I moved away. I love this girl so much and am still beyond heartbroken that she is no longer with us. Despite the sadness I continue to feel, I know that the Egan family are the ones who are experiencing the true magnitude of this incomprehensible loss of a beautiful life that ended much too soon. 

She LOVED wearing shirts
with these sequin patterns!
She inspired me, and I bought
a purse that was covered in
double-sided sequins, too!

She was so artistic and creative!
She was one of the finalists
in this class coloring contest. 

This is my favorite picture I 
took of her: her vibrant
personality is SO evident!

This was at our final class 
get-together: a farewell party
for me. I didn't notice it until
later, but her and I have the exact
same "funny face" expression!

This painting, done by a classmate's mom,
is a perfect depiction of her radiance.
Her light continues to shine,
even in her mortal absence. 

Kylee's funeral was on Tuesday, August 9. I felt very strongly about singing at her funeral. I reached out to her mom the day after her passing, and asked if I could sing, but only if she felt good about it. I suggested a song that had been on my mind, and she responded that she knew Kylee would want that. I practiced that song so many times every single day leading up to the funeral. I probably practiced it around 40 times, trying to get through the song without crying. I wanted to honor Kylee by doing it right. Naomi Parker, a fellow staff member at West J, was the pianist. I practiced it with her that morning, and felt like I was finally ready. Before the funeral, the family had a viewing. There were SO many people who came to pay their respects that the line extended all the way down the hall. The hall was lined with photos of Kylee growing up and themed tables of Kylee's belongings. It was such a great way to honor her: by showcasing her and her memories. There was a table with farm stuff, sports stuff, 4-H stuff, family stuff, school stuff, and her creations. I wasn't prepared for the school stuff. I immediately burst into tears, seeing things that we'd made together in my classroom. 

That's my handwriting on the poster of Kylee's
favorite things from when she was the Star Student.

Behind the controller are several little pictures taken with her
Polaroid. She'd gotten the camera for her birthday in 3rd grade,
and brought it to school for show & tell and took pictures of our
class with it. Kylee loved to collect things! Seeing some of the
things she'd saved from class made me so emotional! 

We made these balloons at the start of 3rd grade
and hung them from the ceiling. I didn't take
them down until the last week of school. 

She understood the importance of kindness!

We made these stories about our families
in 2nd grade. We did it at the end of February, just a few
weeks before we closed down for COVID. 

Her funeral service was so beautiful. I've never seen so many flowers at a funeral before, and they were gorgeous! So many bouquets had different varieties of sunflowers in them, which was her favorite flower. Her casket was breathtaking: it was made from beautiful wood, and was made with such detail. The Egan's had burned their brands into the front side, which was a nice touch. Kylee looked absolutely perfect laying inside it. Her hair was done just as she liked it, and she was wearing a pretty white dress. Her appearance was truly angelic. Her family passed out necklaces with an emblem that included her handprints inside. Her mom had the staff at PCMC get her handprints while she was still in the hospital, and she shrunk them down to fit inside the necklaces. It was such a thoughtful idea, and so many of her classmates and friends wore that necklace all day. I felt so honored to receive one, too. I'd worn a bracelet to her funeral that she made and gave to me on Valentine's Day, and I wore the new necklace that day, too (I still wear it on days when I'm especially missing her).  

The program was lovely, too. It started with over 50 classmates and friends walking to the front of the chapel, and they sang "I am a Child of God". Her sister Shilo and her uncle Randy gave the life sketch. They did a nice job, and evoked laughter and tears from all of us in attendance. I was up after them. I sang "Jealous of the Angels". I was able to maintain composure through the entire song, until the last few measures when the piano plays after the singing stops, when I started sobbing (I walked away from the microphone to cry). I was grateful that my friend Val had joined me for the funeral, because she held me as I cried. Todd Simmons, a family friend, was the final speaker. He did a great job. Val joined me on the drive to the cemetery for the dedication of the grave. The family had a bunch of permanent markers out, and after the prayer, they encouraged friends and family to write messages to Kylee on the lid of the vault. It was very touching. I spoke briefly to Kylee's mom, who told me of how she'd never heard of the song I sang, but right before I texted her the previous week, asking to sing this particular song, another person had messaged her, suggesting she listen to its lyrics. Once I texted her, mentioning the exact same song, she knew it's what Kylee would've wanted. I fell apart after that; I left the cemetery, and sobbed the rest of the day. 

It was the most beautiful casket I've ever seen.

Her cousin Dane was also a student in my
class my final year in West J. He was the
first person I saw to write on the vault.

In her young life, she impacted so many.

Everyone wanted to write a message on her vault lid after the prayer.

I haven't played the piano at home since her funeral.
Her farewell song was the last one that graced our home...
I put the song's music & her funeral program on the
piano, and I see it every time I enter the front door.
A couple months later, her mom gave me that
Willow Tree figurine of a girl holding sunflowers,
and I added it to the display on the piano. 

I love this image of Kylee running
to meet the Savior with open arms,
just as she used to greet me, too.

Kylee made an impact on my life, and I continue to speak of her and think of her. Remembering our conversations often brings me both tears and smiles, thinking of how she loved has inspired me to be more vocal in showing others how I feel, and openly sharing my experiences with her ensures that her presence is still felt, and that she isn't really gone. I know I will get to see her again someday.