Random Revealings

Thanks to all of you for commenting on my last post...the random winners are #1: Linette, #7: Debra, and #17: Emily. Please email me at joshkala@yahoo.com with your address so I can send your Christmas Advent Calendar prizes to you! Now for the rest of the story as to why I did that random contest...

Blogging is so good for me. One of my main reasons for doing it is so that I can focus on the positive things that happen in my life. In the beginning, I only blogged when I was in a happy mood, which as I look back, was only a few times a month. Then last fall, I was in a slump of confusion and depression, and hardly blogged at all. This spring I had a moment of clarity, and decided to blog through it all, happiness or depression, and force myself to focus on the positive. I've become pretty good at sharing the positive aspects of my own life. But because of what happened to me last fall, I have difficulties in having a positive attitude about others and their influence in my life. Several of you inquired in January about my post TEN LESSONS OF 2008. I'm finally ready to share with you what some of what happened last fall, so that you can understand why it had such a major impact on me and of how I view others now.

There was a woman who I'd been friends with for 8 years. She is the kind of person who thrives in crisis situations. She loves drama and she loves being needed and helping others when they really need someone. She came into my life in 2001, when Josh and I were separated for 2 months. She entered my life again after the twins were born in 2003. She helped me during my post-partum depression, and she became extremely attached to my twins. A very unnatural attachment, as she was in her 40's and had her own children. The older my twins got, her attachment to them became strange. She invited us over for dinner frequently and would persuade me to let the twins stay overnight so I could take a break. Then she started buying things for them...new underwear, new toys, new clothes, new coats. She cut their hair without asking me first. She had them sit in the hot tub with her. She took them places without telling me. She started having them sleep in bed with her when her husband was out of town. I didn't like the way she was taking over, one step at a time. She loved it when they accidentally slipped and called her "mom". I knew she had some major faults, but I also knew that she had a lot of good in her, so I overlooked her manipulations, her lies and tales of gossip, the way she tried to control my life, and the way she made me feel like I was less of a mother.

Last fall, I was working on a home improvement project of creating cubbies. She came with me to the lumber store to help me pick out supplies. After leaving the store, she told me to buckle up and I told her no, that I don't buckle up. She asked why not, and I told her it's because I don't care if I die. She slapped my cheek and we didn't speak again in the car. After I left her at her house, she called people in my ward (bishop, relief society president, ward members, and my friends) and lied to them all: she told them that I had said I would put a gun through my mouth and kill myself, and that I would put a gun to my children's heads. Her husband is in the bishopric, and everyone just believed what she said. She called the police, who interviewed my husband at his work and came to my house and questioned me in front of my children. She called C.P.S., who came out to the house and had to walk through it taking pictures and asking us questions. The man from CPS is also in our ward and has twin baby boys that I gave all my boys' hand-me-downs to. I was SO angry. Beyond angry. I went ballistic. I felt betrayed by my supposed friend. I felt defensive because nobody believed the truth. I felt worthless. I felt alone. I learned through that whole ordeal who my true friends were. Besides my husband, I had one person who stood by me, believed me, supported me, never gave up on me--and for that, I will always love Hailey.

I don't know why this woman sought to destroy my life; it's been a year and two months since I've spoken to her. But I do know I'm a different person because of this whole ordeal. I'm closer to my husband and my children. My twins are better people without her negative and possessive influence in their life. And frankly, so am I--it feels good to not have her twisted life mess with mine anymore.

But what happened has also affected me in a negative way. I ignored this woman's faults for so long and she used them to hurt me. Now I don't trust people anymore. Once I discover dishonesty, gossiping, manipulations, or controlling behavior in any of my friends, I immediately shut them out of my life, afraid that somehow their faults will eventually be used to destroy me. After that, I can't see past their faults to see their goodness anymore. I used to be a people-person, but now I don't like to be in social situations. I used to be a very open person, but I will never let myself open up enough to be hurt like that again. I constantly feel like a victim. It isn't good for me, and I know it. I've been to therapists and I read a lot of self-help books. I can analyze myself very well--I can tell you why I do the things I do, why I say the things I say, why I react a certain way. But regardless of all my analyzing, I have difficulties with changing myself to who I want to be rather than who I currently am.

So for me, blogging is therapeutic. It forces me to focus on the positive things of my life, and share them with my friends and family from a distance. I feel that I have a relationship via my computer with people who are my true friends. People who trust and believe what I write. People who care about what happens to me and my family. People who accept me for who I am. People who won't hurt me. I'm okay as long as I keep using blogging as my inner outlet and have my fellow blogging friends and family as my close contacts. My blogs are all true parts of my life and my fellow blogger's list is comprised of all true people I know in real life, so even though it's all in a virtual world, it feels real to me.

Just the other day, Josh and I were talking, and I was telling him about some of my thoughts regarding someone I know. He said to me "I don't remember the last time I heard you say anything positive about anyone." I started telling him people who I do like, and the things I like about them. But the list was really short. I want to be different, I want to be the good person that I make myself believe I am when I blog. I asked him what I need to change. He said "You need a change of heart". And I know that he's right. I do.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend posted THIS on her blog about me. It really touched me. I think I've read it like 20 times just to boost myself up. Between what she did for me, and what my husband said to me, I have an idea to start my change of heart: Beginning December 1, I'm going to write good comments for 25 days about the random 25 people who commented on my last post (except the 11th person--"anonymous"...who are you?) December is a great time to start my change of heart, as it is the season for giving and sharing, so for me this will be 25 days of Christmas--just like an advent calendar! I will write positive thoughts and good memories about each person, one day at a time. I'm excited for this self-challenge. Change is good, especially when it's for the better. Here's to all of you for being a positive part of my life!