I don't know why

When I went to college at SUU, my psychology professor asked our class this question every single day for the entire semester: "Why do we do the things we do". Then he would write it on the board, and we would spend a fair amount of time discussing it. It got annoying after the first week, and he was a terrible teacher, but I do still find myself using that question to figure out why I do the things I do.

I've been asking myself that questions for months now, and I haven't been able to come up with a definitive answer. I'm in a rut right now. I believe I get this way every January and February. I am depressed, unmotivated, and my mind feels troubled. I haven't really blogged since Christmas. I haven't been social since New Year's. I haven't uploaded or edited or posted photos from December or January, and now we're into February. I feel behind, and I don't even have the desire to get caught up. I just keep doing the things that I know I have to do, and nothing else. I wake up (because I have to), I get out of bed (for the same reason), I go to work, I bring the kids home from school, I make a/o eat dinner with my family, I help the kids with their homework, I go to their activities, and when I'm not doing any of those things, I just sit and think. But I feel like an uncaring robot during my entire daily routine. I look forward to the weekends because that means I get to sleep in, but I also feel more depressed on the weekends because I don't HAVE to go to work, so I just sit around and think since I'm too unmotivated to do anything else.

I had a minor meltdown on the last day of school before Christmas Break in December, and I haven't fully recovered since. I had a major fight with my two best friends at the beginning of January, and I can't move on from what I said and did that was clearly so wrong. My mind is so crazy and screwed up at times, and I hate when I feel out of control. And in both situations, I clearly felt out of control and reacted badly to the circumstances surrounding me. I don't know how to make me better, and I don't know what to do in order to feel normal again. I feel numb and unattached and out-of-focus. I hate feeling this way. I haven't cried since the big fight, I hardly laugh anymore, and I feel so distant from everyone, including myself. I have such self-destructive behavior. I miss my friends and I miss feeling emotions.

Fortunately for me, I have a special drug that keeps me from completely falling apart. It's my husband. I love that man so much. Even though I am not emotionally or mentally stable, he is. And he keeps me going. He gets me out of bed in the morning, he talks to me during the day, he hugs me when I get home from school, he makes dinner when I can't, he listens to me in the evening, and he rubs my back when I go to bed. I feel better whenever I'm in his presence, and I feel terribly alone whenever he is gone.

I'm writing this post because talking usually helps me feel better. I'm writing this because it's important for me to record not just activities and events, but also my feelings. I'm writing this because someday in the future, when I feel despair, I want to be able to look back and feel like I can relate to myself and my history, so I can grow from my experiences.