Comparing and Confiding

A few months ago, I was reading books a lot to help the dull hours of winter pass by. One book I read had a section that really hit me. I read it over and over, contemplating what it meant in my own life. I don't even recall the title of the book, because overall, it was not even worthy of remembering. But I did jot down this one paragraph from the book that left an impact on me.

"All women compare lives. We are aware of whose husband works more, whose helps more around the house, whose makes more money, whose is more romantic. We compare our children, taking note of who is sleeping through the night, eating their vegetables, minding their manners, getting better grades in school. We know who keeps the best house, throws the best parties, cooks the best meals, has the best tennis game. We know who among us is the smartest, has the fewest lines around her eyes, has the best figure. We are aware of who works full-time, who stays at home with the kids, who manages to do it all and make it look easy, who shops and lunches while the nanny does it all. We digest it all and then discuss it with our friends. Comparing and then confiding; this is what women do. The difference lies in why we do it. Are we doing it to gauge our own life and reassure ourselves that we fall within the realm of normal? Or are we being competitive, relishing others' shortcomings so that we can win, if only by default?"

At the time that I read this, I was a stay-at-home mom, and I felt that I could relate to the paragraph. It's true that women are very aware of others' lives, and most compare their lives with that of others. I know that a lot of women compare and confide details of others' lives with one another. It's one reason that I don't like being around groups of women anymore--the gossip passes around and is like poison. After being the subject of community gossip myself a few years ago, I stay away from participating in it now. But even though I don't participate in the gossip circle anymore, I still feel like I am aware of others' lives and I compare my own life to that of others. As I read through the comparisons in the paragraph, I had names of different women pop into my mind for "who keeps the best house", and "who has the best figure", and "who throws the best parties", and "who cooks the best food", and "who is the smartest". And of course, none of those names were mine. So, the questions at the end really struck me. Why do I compare myself and my life to that of others? Is it so that I feel normal about who I am? Or is it so that I can feel that I'm better in certain areas because of the shortcomings of others in those same areas?

A long time ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine who was on a daily work-out regime and on a strict diet. He had a photo of a body-builder guy that he wanted his own body to look just like. He often looked at the photo because it helped him focus as he worked and worked to obtain his goal. One time he asked me if there was a woman I wished that I could look just like. I told him no, because for me, it's not one woman I want to look like, it's several. I want the face of one, the butt of another, the smile of one, the hair of another, the tummy of one, the legs of another. There's also several woman that I want to emulate and be like: I want the cooking abilities of one, the hostessing abilities of another, the poise of one, the talent of another, the beauty of one, the kindness of another. My friend was dumb-founded at my response, because my answer to him was of course impossible to obtain.

I realized after reading the paragraph in this book and after questioning myself, that I compare myself to others to see where I rate: inferior or superior. I know the areas of my personal life that are lacking, and I can recognize in others the areas in which they are superior to me. Thus, when my friend asked me who I wanted to look just like, I could pull the index out of my brain to say whose face I wanted and whose smile I wanted and whose body parts I wanted. Because I don't want to be just like one person, I want to have the BEST parts of lots of people.

To some extent, this can be acceptable behavior. In comparing myself to others, I see the strengths in others and I admire them greatly, whether they be talents, abilities, or physical features. Heavenly Father has blessed us all with unique gifts, and I can recognize and appreciate those gifts in so many people.

But, this behavior can also have a very negative impact. When others compare and confide, AKA gossip, they acknowledge the shortcomings of others and they make themselves feel superior. In essence, they are hurting others in order to feel supreme, which has a harmful effect on themselves as well. Even though I've stopped participating in this, I still compare. And when I compare and rate myself to others, I am often the person that has the shortcomings against the superiorities of others. Because I mostly rate inferior, focusing on my own inadequacies makes me feel like lesser of a person, and is self-depricating and is also very hurtful to my self-esteem.

At Family Home Evening a few weeks ago, I asked the boys what gifts they feel like they were blessed with. Ammon said he's good at reading and golf. Jonah and Micah said they are fast runners. Kanyon said he's happy. I was glad my sons could recognize certain abilities they had, and I was grateful that they felt confident in their abilities. I told them that I felt like I was good at singing--more specifically harmonizing; it's something I've loved doing since jr. high. I also feel that one of my strengths is organizing, whether it be items in a physical space or details in a conceived project; organizing makes me happy, and I've known that about myself since I was a kid. I also know that I am good at complimenting others, which I didn't even realize was a talent until just this year when it was pointed out to me. I love my eyes, and I feel like they are the best physical feature that I have. I love my ability to laugh, and laughing often brightens many dark moments for me. But those are just a few strengths--I have so many more weaknesses.

At church last Sunday, our previous Stake President bore his testimony to the fact of making our weaknesses become our strengths. He has dyslexia, which I never knew. He has struggled with it for years and years, but he was determined when he was first diagnosed with it to not let it bring him down. I was in awe of all that he's been able to accomplish with this learning disability, especially since I was never made aware that he even had one. In the Book of Mormon, the scripture Ether 12:27 states "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

One of my major weaknesses is that I let my comparisons to others bring me down. I don't think I can completely stop comparing myself to others, but I want to change the way I view myself in comparison to others. I want to be able to recognize the strengths that others have without feeling and allowing negative criticism towards myself for the weaknesses I have in those same areas. I want to be able to get to the point where I can recognize my own strengths and acknowledge the strengths of others, and realize and understand that Heavenly Father intended for each of us to have certain strengths and certain weaknesses. Because if I didn't have any weaknesses, I wouldn't need the help of others who had certain strengths that are unlike mine. Because if I truly had the BEST parts of all those people, I would have no need or desire for change or improvement. Because without my weaknesses, I would have no reason to feel humble. And without the need or desire to change and improve my life, then the relationship with my Heavenly Father would also be adversely affected.

So, now that I've confided my comparison weakness to you, my goal is to change my bad habit of its negative impact of it on my life and turn it into a positive one.