I admit I have issues. Lots of them. I hate the ugliness inside of me, and there is so much of it. I don’t like to talk about it much, because I hate vocalizing the deepest, darkest parts of me that are so unappealing. But how can I truly change if I never admit those awful flaws of mine? I believe that admitting my own problems outwardly js necessary in the process of improving myself. I think I will do as Step 5 of the 12-Step Program instructs, and “Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another person the exact nature of our wrongs”. So, here goes…deep breath…
Hi. My name is Kala. And I’m an emotionally disturbed person.
I admit that I need people more than they need me. I know this about myself, but still...
When I discover that someone doesn’t need me in their life as much as I need them in mine, I fill my mind with negative thoughts about myself and about my relationship with that person.
Then I start doubting the relationship.
I hate rejection. I hate the way I feel after being rejected. So I withdraw myself from the relationship to avoid feeling that way.
But then I begin to miss my friend.
By this time, I realize that I'm not the only person in their life, and I become jealous.
My heart hates feeling jealousy, because it is such a dark and strong emotion.
And once again, my head is filled with more negative thoughts about myself.
Then I feel like a complete psycho and ponder all that is wrong with me.
At this point, I usually go off the deep end. I do this by screaming or crying or doing the speedy, high-pitched talk until all my feelings are released. Sometimes I do all 3 of the things simultaneously (and it’s not pretty, trust me).
Then I try to convey some of my feelings to my friend, to let them know the problem is me--not them.
Most of the time, that’s the end of the relationship.
I hate every step of this process, and I go through it every time I make a new best friend. I know I’ve mentioned on my blog before that I can’t make and keep friends due to reasons of moving, but it’s not the full truth. The REAL reason why I go through friends so often is because I’m crazy in the head. And I admit it.
For over a year, I shut myself down from making new friends to avoid deep feelings of any kind. But I wasn't any happier. In fact, I was more miserable. The truth is that I need friends. I need people in my life in order to be emotionally happy. I just need to learn to get beyond this whole painful process that occurs within myself every time!
And now you all know an ugly truth about my innermost me. And now you can understand why the few best friends I have are really important to me--because they choose to see me beyond my many "uglies".
I think we all have parts of ourselves that we don't like, parts of ourselves that make us humble, parts of ourselves that always need improvement. But, I think we all still crave the same things as human beings--to be understood, to be appreciated, to be supported, to be respected, to be loved. I absolutely love Josh Groban's song "You are Loved" sooo much because it really speaks to me. In it, he powerfully sings that "Everybody wants to be understood. Everybody wants to be loved. Everyone needs to be heard".
5 comments:
Kala, has anyone told you that you are completely normal? Yep, that's right your normal, or crazy like the rest of us.
As you well know life is an adventure and it's different for each of us. All of us deal with about 5 core issues. Seems like you actually understand some of your core issues. You don't like being rejected, you don't like being alone, or abandoned, and you don't always feel 'enough'... like good enough, smart enough, rich enough, happy enough...things like that. The good thing is, you are beginning to realize that you don't have to stay this way. There is a lot I have learned through the years and if you ever want to talk message me on FB and I will give you my phone number.
Wait, now that sounds like I know more than you, and that's not what I'm saying... I'm saying I've been there (check, check check, check) done that and have learned a few tools along the way to help me forge through the crap and darkness we call life.
Oh and this is the #1 thing we desire as humans: "to be understood, to be appreciated, to be supported, to be respected, to be loved". Especially to be understood!
Love you my dear darling Kala.
kala, you're weird. in the very best possible way. (dont be offended. i think weird is good). yep, you are definitely weird but NOT emotionally disturbed. in any way.
i think we are all weird in our own way. or, if you dont like thinking of it as weird, think of it as eccentric. or quirky. any way, we all have our issues. thats why we're here. and i think its good to identify your issues and work on them but NOT good to think youre crazy, etc etc for not being perfect. cause if that makes you crazy, then i am too (and i'm NOT, damn it!!).
oh, and if it makes you feel any better, i have never thought of you as needy. you have always seemed happy in your own skin. and i love that about you!!
Well Kala I am your friend and will always be, whether you like it or not!
Oh Kala, you and I ARE so alike in so many ways! I think it's refreshing to read your honest thoughts because it's comforting to know someone else feels the same way!! :) I understand exactly what you were thinking and feeling when you wrote this post... :)
I love you so much. I have loved and adored you from far and near for what seems like forever! I'm so glad and priviledged to have you in my life... and our recent reconnect is just amazing to me everyday.
Remember what I told you... you can call me ANYtime... I hope next time you do. I'll call you when I get home (and done with this wedding craziness) next week. :)
Amazing, simply amazing. You are so beautifully transparent. What you see is what you get. No surprises. Pure, raw Kala. That's why I love you. You bring joy to my life. Thank you for saying "yes" to each new day, each new experience, and to 'love'.
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