admitting is the first step

I admit I have issues. Lots of them. I hate the ugliness inside of me, and there is so much of it. I don’t like to talk about it much, because I hate vocalizing the deepest, darkest parts of me that are so unappealing. But how can I truly change if I never admit those awful flaws of mine? I believe that admitting my own problems outwardly js necessary in the process of improving myself. I think I will do as Step 5 of the 12-Step Program instructs, and “Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another person the exact nature of our wrongs”. So, here goes…deep breath…


Hi. My name is Kala. And I’m an emotionally disturbed person.

I admit that I need people more than they need me. I know this about myself, but still...

When I discover that someone doesn’t need me in their life as much as I need them in mine, I fill my mind with negative thoughts about myself and about my relationship with that person.

Then I start doubting the relationship.

I hate rejection. I hate the way I feel after being rejected. So I withdraw myself from the relationship to avoid feeling that way.

But then I begin to miss my friend.

By this time, I realize that I'm not the only person in their life, and I become jealous.

My heart hates feeling jealousy, because it is such a dark and strong emotion.

And once again, my head is filled with more negative thoughts about myself.

Then I feel like a complete psycho and ponder all that is wrong with me.

At this point, I usually go off the deep end. I do this by screaming or crying or doing the speedy, high-pitched talk until all my feelings are released. Sometimes I do all 3 of the things simultaneously (and it’s not pretty, trust me).

Then I try to convey some of my feelings to my friend, to let them know the problem is me--not them.

Most of the time, that’s the end of the relationship.


I hate every step of this process, and I go through it every time I make a new best friend. I know I’ve mentioned on my blog before that I can’t make and keep friends due to reasons of moving, but it’s not the full truth. The REAL reason why I go through friends so often is because I’m crazy in the head. And I admit it.

For over a year, I shut myself down from making new friends to avoid deep feelings of any kind. But I wasn't any happier. In fact, I was more miserable. The truth is that I need friends. I need people in my life in order to be emotionally happy. I just need to learn to get beyond this whole painful process that occurs within myself every time!

And now you all know an ugly truth about my innermost me. And now you can understand why the few best friends I have are really important to me--because they choose to see me beyond my many "uglies".

I think we all have parts of ourselves that we don't like, parts of ourselves that make us humble, parts of ourselves that always need improvement. But, I think we all still crave the same things as human beings--to be understood, to be appreciated, to be supported, to be respected, to be loved. I absolutely love Josh Groban's song "You are Loved" sooo much because it really speaks to me. In it, he powerfully sings that "Everybody wants to be understood. Everybody wants to be loved. Everyone needs to be heard".