When I was in the 3rd grade, I fell in love with the solar system. My fascination for the universe was a result of my teacher's passion for the planets, the stars, the moon, and all things outer space. She talked about them, decorated her room with solar system posters and objects, and her love seemed to rub off onto me. I became somewhat obsessed, and even declared that I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up. I begged for a book that my teacher had that was my favorite, and my parents gave in and bought me the super nice hard-bound book called "The Universe" by the National Geographic Society. I perused it and poured over the pages so much that the binding began to break and most of the pages became loosened. I still have the book (and it even came in handy for one of my college science class projects this summer!).
Right before 4th grade, our family moved to Tremonton, and it was after we moved that my astronaut aspirations became a thing of the past instead of a desire for the future. Before then, I lived in the euphoric state of childhood. I thought everyone's families were like mine, that our family was wealthy, and that everything was good in the world. None of these thoughts are actually true, but through my perceptions they were. I remember starting to experience real fears after we moved to Tremonton--not that there's any correlation, because there's not, but because I had reached the age that I understood more and could fully grasp deeper concepts. The only fears I can remember I had before then was the fear of getting kidnapped (because I almost was when I was in 2nd grade) and the fear of the dark (because I thought the kidnapper would come get me at night when no one could see him). In 4th grade, I remember I didn't get cast for a part I wanted in our class' spring production about mothers, and I suddenly experienced the fear of failure. In 4th grade, there was a presentation at the school done by a burned victim, and she talked about the pain she experienced after her body was burnt, and the excruciating experience of taking baths at the hospital. I instantly felt a fear of being burned. In 5th grade, I read some fiction books by an author who wrote about cancer patients. This caused me to be afraid of getting cancer. One book, in particular, had a traumatizing story of a child who's mother died of cancer, and I became afraid of death. I stopped reading that author's books after that specific book. It was when I became of death, that I suddenly feared the thought of living forever. I remember my whole body feeling cold when I thought about it. I was standing in the dining room, and I started crying. I told my mother about my fear of living forever, because I couldn't (and still can't) grasp the concept of eternity, and my mother told me how much she looked forward to it because she could be with her family forever instead of saying goodbye and knowing that she will never see her loved ones again. I felt ashamed for being so afraid, but I couldn't stop it. It was because of this fear of forever, that I suddenly hated the night sky. I no longer wanted to know more about it, because the solar system seemed infinite and eternal, and it represented something larger that I couldn't fully comprehend.
I remember one night in the summer after 5th grade there was a meteor shower, and my mom wanted me to go out and watch it with her. There was a blanket and chairs set up in the backyard, and I remember a neighbor was there, too. But after just a few minutes of being outside, I couldn't bear it anymore, and I had to go back inside because I was so filled with fear; it was truly overwhelming me.
I don't like to talk about this fear I have of forever, (which is more like a phobia to me), because every time I truly think about eternity, I get a coldness in my body, a panicked feeling in my chest, and fear overtakes me. I'm 35 for pete's sake, and it's time to deal with my fears! So this summer, when there was a big hype about the meteor shower in August, I decided that I would go out and watch it. I stayed up late that night, and after everyone was in bed, I went out on my front step and watched for about 1 minute. And I saw 5 meteors in those 60 seconds, which was pretty awesome. But the last meteor was huge, and I was suddenly filled with irrational fear again. I came inside, woke up Josh, and told him that I wanted him to come out and watch the meteor shower with me. But he was getting up early the next morning to drive the twins to the trailhead of the Bighorn Crags and had a full day of hiking ahead of him, and he declined my request, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I laid awake in bed for the next two hours, trying to convince myself to go back outside and watch the meteor shower, but my heart always overtook my head; my head wanted to watch the meteor shower, but my heart was afraid. I didn't know who to call at midnight to come watch it with me, and I finally fell asleep, but I woke up the next morning angry at myself and regretted that I hadn't gone out again.
So when the Super Moon/Harvest Moon/Blood Moon was happening on the night of September 27, I wanted to try again. I've always wanted to see a lunar eclipse, but never have. I tried to spot it from our house, but the big trees in our yard and Ed & Kathy's yard were blocking my view. I was getting frustrated with myself, and didn't want to have yet another regret from letting my fear take over, so I told Josh about how I really wanted to see the moon. Then I told him about why I wanted to see the meteor shower, and why I couldn't watch it alone, and how seeing the lunar eclipse was important to me. I was getting rather antsy, but didn't want to go somewhere else (in order to have a better view) alone. This time, Josh was more than willing to join me (since it was only like 8:00 instead of after 11:00!), and he suggested we drive up to Lover's Lookout. I couldn't believe it, and was so excited! We drove up in the truck, and parked at the top of the hill, and just watched the moon and talked for an hour. It was so awesome!!! I felt so happy to see the moon's eclipse, and even happier because I wasn't alone to experience it!
When we came back home, the kids were just finishing a TV show, and we told them was what taking place with the moon. They went outside, looked at it for a minute, said "cool", and walked back inside. It was such a simple thing for them, but so life-changing for me! I'm so glad Josh had the idea to drive somewhere else, and that he was patient to sit and wait for an hour while I took in the views of the ever-changing, eternal night sky.
No comments:
Post a Comment