For the first time in their lives, my twin sons Jonah and Micah were placed in separate classes at school this year. We decided as parents at the end of last school year that this would be best for both of them because they were both starting to have negative impacts from being in the same class together all day: Micah's self esteem was suffering, and Jonah was becoming more arrogant towards his brother. They'd always been able to develop their own friendships, so we knew they would be alright socially without one another. Micah has bloomed this year, but Jonah has had a rough time. Jonah was placed in a class that has a lot of behaviorally disruptive students, and he only has one friend in his class. His best friend Mason would've been in the same class, too, but unfortunately he moved away before the school year started, or I think Jonah's year would've been much better. Jonah has been increasingly unhappy, acted even more arrogant, and his language has become crude throughout the school year. I have been worried about him, and didn't know what to do. We've had several family home evenings centered on positive language, good choices, and being obedient. We've tried to create a more loving environment at home and establish better relationships with each of our boys. But I felt like he needed more; I felt like he needed to be involved in an activity that was just for him (one that his brothers didn't do, too), and one that he really enjoyed, so he could feel more positivity in his life. I suggested lots of things to him, but he didn't like any of the ideas. He said the only thing he likes to do is play on his Ipod, but that doesn't promote an active, positive lifestyle. He finally said he would be willing to try Kung Fu.
The local Kung Fu group has two excellent leaders, a husband and wife team, that are so good with kids: they are patient and kind and positive. Jonah went a couple of times in December and tried it out, and he was interested in it, so I started paying for him to go to it twice a week beginning in January. He liked it at first, but then he started using the fighting techniques on his brothers at home, and was kicking and hurting them, so I talked to him about it and then I approached his Kung Fu teacher with my concerns. His teacher said that he would also talk to Jonah after class. After that, Jonah didn't really like going anymore. He made one new friend in his class, a 6th grader, and he liked having a friend to talk to, but he wasn't interesting in going to Kung Fu lessons. He went all of January, February, and March. By March, he complained every day that he had to go, but I told him he couldn't stop going unless he had an activity to replace it with. He couldn't come up with anything, so he kept {grudgingly} going to Kung Fu. He had Kung Fu presentations at the end of March, and I took Kanyon and Micah with me to go watch him (Josh and Ammon were out of town at a golf tournament). He wasn't very happy when I was taking his pictures prior to the demonstrations...the first one is a fake smile, and every picture I took after showed his real feelings.
The demonstrations were at the elementary school on the Thursday night right before spring break, during which there would be no Kung Fu practice.
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| Jonah is in the back row, 6th from left |
During spring break, Jonah said he would play spring soccer as his replacement activity instead of going to Kung Fu. He had previously said that he didn't want to do soccer anymore, so I was glad that he was being independently decisive about playing that sport again (which he's good at and used to love playing). So after spring break at the end of March, he hasn't returned to Kung Fu.
I have noticed positive changes in Jonah's attitude lately. In February, he was tested and accepted into the Gifted & Talented program at school, which meets once a week, so every Tuesday he tells me all the fun things he liked about going to it. He and Micah also purchased new bikes in March, and they've been riding them more and he likes that. He's also started going to scouts once in a while, so that provides an additional activity with positive role models for him as well.
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| Jonah & Micah both wearing their uniforms and playing their Ipods while waiting to go to Scouts. |
I've been thinking a lot about whether I had his best interests in mind when making choices that affected him: was it right or wrong to separate him and his brother in their 5th grade classes, and was it right or wrong making him go to Kung Fu? I just don't know the answers. The problem of trial and error is trying to making the "best" choices without having all the knowledge necessary or not having control over every aspect in order to predict a successful outcome, like who else will be involved, what choices others' make that will be influential, and who will be the leader/instructor/role model in a group situation. For example, although we felt like it was right for Jonah and Micah to be in separate classes, we had no idea which kids would be in each of their classes. If I knew the rough kids that were also in Jonah's class this year, would I have still separated them? Probably not...but I didn't know that at the time. Josh has repeatedly told me that that they will be with the same kids every year until they graduate high school, and since it's impossible to pick and choose who will be in their class each year, all we can do is to teach them how to choose good friends among the kids they are with all day. I enrolled Jonah in Kung Fu, hoping that it would help him with self-control, positive self-image, and to build character and physical strength, but when he dreaded going, I don't know if he was learning anything from me making him go.
I went to a relief society activity in January where the women filled out a survey about what kinds of activities we would be interested in having this coming year. The woman who I sat across, a seasoned veteran of relief society activities, said she wanted to have an activity that taught children how to not stray from gospel principles. She kept going on and on about "forcing" our children to do the right thing. I said to her, "You know who you sound like? The devil. The devil in the pre-mortal life". She was visibly surprised that I would call her the devil. I felt like she didn't fully grasp Heavenly Father's plan: the plan of happiness, with the concept of agency at its core. I know that children have agency, and I know through very personal experience of my upbringing that the more you force a child to do something, the more they will rebel. I believe in giving my children choices, and to let them experience consequences for their choices. I firmly believe in teaching them independence. But when it comes to watching them use their agency to make poor choices, seeing their independence used for unjust causes, and observing them experience their painful consequences, I doubt myself and whether I'm mothering them right. I've struggled the last few months with my teenage son and 'tweenage' twins; I struggle with knowing what to say, how to act, how to react, and how to love them in the way they need it most. I've never been through this stage of mothering before, and it's HARD! (Thankfully I have Josh for support! He's taken over a lot of the discipline and also calmly talking to them after they've made bad choices.) I don't like trial and error mothering, but I admit that I learn valuable lessons from it every time. I know where that woman was coming from in her statements, and why she said what she said, but I also understand that forcing my children to do the right thing will NOT help them. They have to understand WHY it's important to do the right thing so they can choose that path on their own. I just have to keep reminding myself of this fact, and repeatedly continue teaching the concept to my growing sons as well.
2 comments:
You are divine. I really needed this post. Thank you!
You are divine. I really needed this post. Thank you!
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