Love and Marriage, Family and Courage

Josh and I have been asked to give talks in church a lot in the last 6 months, and it surprises me because I usually am only asked to give a talk about every 3 years! We talked in August about Tender Mercies. We were asked to give talks again in December, but we couldn't because we'd already agreed to speak in the Stanley church that same day. Then we were asked again in February if we could be the speakers, and this time, we were asked to have the boys join us, too. We've never all spoken together in Sacrament Meeting before, and I wasn't sure if the kids would actually do it. When Josh told the boys that we would ALL be speaking in church, there was screaming, crying, and tantrum-throwing from two of them. Thankfully, we were asked 2 weeks prior to when we had to give the talks, so we didn't mention it again until the next week. I spent one night helping each of the three younger boys with their talks. Josh and I's topic was "Marriage", but we weren't given any topic assignments for the boys. I just had them pick one topic on how to strengthen families that is mentioned in "Family: A Proclamation to the World". After they picked their own topic, then they wrote about what that item means to them, and a personal story to show how that one area has strengthened our family. 

Our family was the entire Sacrament meeting program on Sunday, Feb. 8th. Kanyon was the first speaker. His topic was on prayer. This is the talk he wrote and gave; he did an excellent job: 

"My topic is prayer. Prayer is when you talk to Heavenly Father. Our family says prayers together at dinner and Family Home Evening and after scriptures. You can also say prayers when something is lost or someone needs help. One time my glasses were lost because of our dog Shorty took them. I couldn't find them anywhere. Then we prayed to find my glasses before it got dark. Then my mom found them in the grass. I know prayers are answered. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Kanyon started wearing ties after Christmas;
he never used to wear them before because they
bother his neck. But then he discovered an innovative
way to wear ties without irritation: by not doing up the
top button! Now he wears ties EVERY week to church!

Micah's talk was on respect, and Jonah's talk was on recreational activities. Unfortunately, I can't add their talks to this post because after we got home from church, apparently they used them to make paper airplanes, and then burned them. I was very proud of them for writing and giving their talks, though, because neither one of them likes speaking in public. In fact, to prove how much they don't like it, right before Sacrament meeting started, Micah said "I wish I had broken my arm this week so I wouldn't have to talk in church today".

Ammon spoke next about work, and he wrote his talk without any help from Josh or I, so I was very impressed when I heard him read this from the pulpit:
"My topic today is work. Yesterday when all of South St. Charles street and the surrounding area was flooded, I went to Dahle's Red-E-Mix and helped fill bags full of sand with about 30 other people and we drove around and distributed them where they were most needed. It was a nice feeling when the people we helped would say "Thank you so much" or "Thanks for the help" etc. It was also nice to see all the selfless people that came to help and most of them were members. We worked for over three hours filling, loading, and unloading sandbags and we were exhausted by the end but the pleasure was ours because the thanks and the appreciation far exceed the tired and sore body parts. Work isn't always appreciated it can be repetitive and menial sometimes but it sustains and improves our lives. Work is a spiritual necessity, and it is part of the fullness of the gospel. There are many kinds of work, there is service, jobs, yard work etc. but there is also temple work and missionary work, and they are all very important and meaningful and all play a role in our lives. Another part of work is tithing, we pay 10% of all the money we earn to the church, this enables us to show our gratitude and thanks toward Heavenly Father for all the things he has given us. We should also save some of our money for college or for our missions, preferably both. We wouldn't be able to accomplish anything on Earth without work. Nothing worthwhile will ever come to you free. You have to work towards a goal if you want to achieve that goal. I learned to work at a young age when I did pig 4-H. I had to get up every morning to feed and water my pigs and make sure they were doing alright then I would do the same thing in the evening. I have several jobs in the Summer, Spring and Fall, and Winter is my time off. I work at the golf course with my dad, I mow lawns with my dad, and I help out on my grandpa's ranch as well. Work is a big thing in my home my parents make sure that my brothers and I know how to work and make sure we have a good work ethic and I am really glad they do. Because even though I may not want to work at that exact moment it helps me a lot in the long run. My dad is a very hardworking man he works hard and long to support me and my brothers and I really appreciate all the things he does for me and my family and same goes for my mom she is working really hard on college right now so she will be able to get a good job at the school. I am really glad we have work in our lives.
I would like to close by bearing my testimony I know this church is true and I know the Book of Mormon is True, I know that Jesus Christ sacrificed his body so we could live with our families and Heavenly Father in heaven for all eternity. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

There was a nice musical number by the primary children that went perfectly with the subjects of our talks. All the kids sang "We Are Different" in between Ammon's talk and mine. Jonah and Micah thought it was an especially unlucky Sunday, because if there's anything they dislike more than talking in public, it's singing in public! And they had to do both in the same day!

It was my turn to speak next, and then Josh's. I took up the bulk of the remainder of time, and I focused more on the spiritual aspect of our marriage. Josh brought the comic relief to the meeting when he gave his comparison of how marriage is like a roller coaster ride! It was very funny, for sure, and the audience really enjoyed his talk. Unfortunately, he doesn't ever write his talks down, he just jots down a few thoughts and expands according to how he feels at that moment, so I can't duplicate it on this post, either. But...I do have my talk in its entirety, and I thought it was worth keeping. The rest of this blog post is the talk that I gave that day on marriage:

"Myron asked that my talk today be about marriage, as founded upon the October 2013 Gen. Conf. address by Pres. Henry B. Eyring titled “To My Grandchildren”. In that talk, he speaks about how his 2 oldest grandkids were making plans to be married soon, and how 10 more of his grandkids in the next few years could potentially be married as well. He said “That happy prospect has caused me deep contemplation as they have asked me for advice. Essentially they have asked, “What choices could I make that will lead me to happiness?” And on the other hand, “What choices are likely to lead me to unhappiness?”

I was looking back through my blog journal to see if I’ve ever given marriage advice, and I found that I had. In April 2009, for our 11th wedding anniversary, Josh and I wrote 11 lessons we’d learned about marriage in the 11 years we’d been together:
[JOSH] 1. Always get the last two words in: "yes, dear".
[KALA] 2. Arguments are better resolved by waiting to calm down before discussing the issue.
[JOSH] 3. You get a lot less sleep when you're married than when you're single.
[KALA] 4. With two people, a King bed is way more comfortable than a Double bed to sleep in.
[JOSH] 5. No matter how much time you spend together in the day, your wife only wants to talk to you about important matters at midnight.
[KALA] 6. No matter how many years you've been married, you still have to remind your husband when to take out the garbage, or that baths are Saturday night, or that the kids have to eat dinner preferably around 6:00.
[JOSH] 7. People aren't perfect and neither is marriage.
[KALA] 8. You can't change your partner, but you can change your attitude toward your partner.
[JOSH] 9. It is the GREATEST and the WORST thing in the world!!!
[KALA] 10. Nobody makes me feel more loved, or more irritated either!!!
[JOSH & KALA] 11. We both agree that communication is a necessity, and is the most important part of marriage!

But those things are not what President Eyring’s advice was. He continues “Heavenly Father has made each of us unique. No two of us have exactly the same experiences. No two families are alike. So it is not surprising that advice about how to choose happiness in family life is hard to give. Yet a loving Heavenly Father has set the same path to happiness for all of His children. Whatever our personal characteristics or whatever will be our experiences, there is but one plan of happiness. That plan is to follow all the commandments of God.

“For all of us, including my grandchildren contemplating marriage, there is one overarching commandment that will help us to meet the challenges and lead to the heart of a happy family life. It applies to all relationships regardless of circumstances. It is repeated throughout the scriptures and in the teachings of the prophets in our day. Here is the Bible wording of the Lord’s advice to all who want to live together forever in loving happiness: “Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Pres. Eyring goes on to say that “From that simple statement it is not hard to summarize all I have learned about what choices lead to happiness in families. I start with the question, “What choices have led me toward loving the Lord with all my heart and soul and with all my mind?”

For President Eyring, the answer to that question was forgiveness, which in turn has brought him greater understanding of the power of the atonement. When I ask myself the question “what choices have led me toward loving the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind”, my answer would be obedience to the commandments, and in turn, feeling happiness and a greater desire to be better so that I can see myself as the Lord sees me and see others according to their divine potential, including my spouse.

President Eyring says “Heavenly Father has perfect foresight, knows each of us, and knows our future. He knows what difficulties we will pass through. He sent His Son to suffer so that He would know how to succor us in all our trials. It is only with the companionship of the Holy Ghost that we can hope to be equally yoked in a marriage free from discord. I have seen how that companionship is crucial for felicity in a marriage. The miracle of becoming one requires the help of heaven, and it takes time. Our goal is to live together forever in the presence of Heavenly Father and our Savior.

Robert D. Hales expounded on this concept in his talk “A Little Heaven on Earth”. He says “The aim of the gospel and the purpose of celestial marriage are not only to keep us together but also to make us eligible for our Heavenly Father’s highest reward: exaltation in the celestial kingdom, and eternal life with our families. Temple marriage describes the place you go to have the marriage performed. Celestial marriage is being true to the sacred covenants you make during the temple marriage ceremony.”

When I was younger, I thought the two were the same thing. I thought that if I got married in the temple, that I would automatically have a celestial marriage—like how all the fairy tales ended “happily ever after”. My whole goal when I was a young woman was to get married in the temple to obtain my “happily ever after”. But when Josh and I were newlyweds, we fought a lot, and we struggled quite a bit, and I kept thinking “I don’t understand: we got married in the temple, so where’s the happily ever after?!”. It took me a long time to understand that having a celestial marriage was more than just getting married in the temple. It was a hard, but essential lesson to learn. My whole goal as a youth was getting to the temple, and being married there. And that’s where my vision ended. I wish I’d had a better understanding that my goal didn’t just end there, rather, it was just the beginning.  

Something as wonderful as a celestial marriage doesn’t just happen. In order to create a successful marriage, I had to discover that it wouldn’t be all “happily ever after”. Instead, it required a lot of effort on both mine and my husband’s parts. And since I can only be in control of myself, I had to work on me in my marriage. I’m a goal-oriented person, and once I realized that my goal of getting married in the temple was just the beginning step of a life-long commitment (which by the way took YEARS to fully comprehend), I began to make new goals for myself that would re-commit myself to my covenants and to my marriage and family. I made annual goals to attend the temple more, to spend more quality time with my husband, to make choices with my body and spirit that would help me grow closer to the Lord, and to try to see my husband as the Lord sees him and act accordingly. Josh and I have been married for almost 17 years (in fact it was 17 years ago this coming Saturday that he proposed to me)—and since I married him when I was 18, I’ve been married almost half my life already. We experienced some challenging, major event every year for the first 12 years of our marriage, and although marriage was very difficult at times, we never gave up on each other because of the covenants we’d made in the temple. Thankfully, the past 5 years have been truly heavenly. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had in my marriage, and for the hard times we’ve gone through, because they’ve strengthened both Josh and I as a whole, and we are able to truly recognize the happiness that we both feel in our relationship now.

Brother Hales explains “A celestial marriage requires living a consecrated life of worthiness and celestial principles, which leads to happiness in this life and exaltation in the next. If we live the laws pertaining to celestial marriage, we will, with our spouse and with our family, be able to have a little heaven on earth. And when we live those laws, we are practicing the same laws that are practiced in heaven. We are practicing how to live with God the Father and his Son and with our families in the eternities to come.” I know that by living life according to the covenants I’ve made, and having a harmonious union with my husband, the happiness I feel in my home and family life now is just a taste of what heaven is like.

Brother Hales said, “A marriage partnership is not a crutch. You do not marry somebody you think is a little higher than the angels and then lean on that person. Rather, you develop yourself and your own gifts and talents. As you develop, you grow together, supporting and strengthening one another. Remember to treat each other with kindness and to respect each other for who you are and what you want to be.

Josh and I have some common interests, for example we both enjoy the same kind of recreational activities: camping, 4-wheeling, biking, we both like the same kind of music: classic rock, 80’s hairbands, and pop music, we both like watching concerts, we have similar senses of humor, we have the same political views and religious beliefs, and we have the same ideas for how children should be raised. But we have a lot of different interests, too. For example, I love the theater, and Josh loves sports. We have learned that it’s not best to include each other in all our interests—I don’t like taking him to the musical theater with me, as he just complains about all the songs, and he doesn’t like taking me to sporting events with him, as I ask way too many questions about what’s happening and it’s distracting for him. Instead of trying to make each other involved in our individual interests, he watches games and talks sports with others (thankfully we have boys!), and I go to plays and theatrical productions with other friends. We each have individual interests and talents, and we support one another in having individual time, knowing that when we do what makes us happy, we are better partners.

In my blog journal of November 2013, I wrote this about some of the differences between us:
I love singing. Josh has paralyzed vocal cords. I hate fast-dancing. Josh is an awesome dancer.
This is why I love going to karaoke with him: he watches me sing, I watch him dance his fast moves, and then we slow dance together. We both get to do what we like, and support each other, too.

Brother Hales continued saying “As Latter-day Saints, we are to use our moral agency and utilize our opportunities for growth. Everyone has weaknesses. The adversary knows the Achilles’ heel of your loved ones. Do you understand your Achilles’ heel? Do you know the situations you have to stay away from and what your weaknesses are? The secret of a happy marriage is to protect the Achilles’ heel and not take advantage of the weaknesses of those you know the best, love the most, and ultimately can hurt the most. D&C 108:7 says: “Therefore, strengthen your brethren in all your conversation, in all your prayers, in all your exhortations, and in all your doings”.

We have learned this lesson as well. We know our own as well as each other’s weaknesses, but we also know our strengths. We make a good team because in areas I am weak, he is strong, and vice-versa. Instead of focusing on the weaknesses, we choose to utilize our strengths to help one another.
In April of 2012, our 14th anniversary, I wrote this: I have never been more in love with my husband. It amazes me how each year my love has grown for this man that I chose to spend my life and eternity with. He is exactly the right man for me and I cannot imagine my life without him. My happiest moments are with him, my best memories include him, my life revolves around him. He creates calm in my chaotic world, he listens and takes care of me, his common sense helps me with my crazy mind, he supports me in my endeavors, he works hard and creates beauty around our home. I love him for who he is. I've even grown fond of some of his imperfections, like: the way he lays his clothes and shoes all around the house, for the way he fills up the countertops with mail and papers and then can never find his checkbook, for the way he wheezes when he sleeps, or when he honks the horn to tell me it's time to go to church because I’m running behind. I love him for all the good things he does with our family too, like: watering the garden and pumpkin patch without being asked, for playing with the boys and jumping on the tramp when they ask him, for making dinner if I'm going to be late, for buying groceries and always knowing what we need, for giving service to others so freely. I love looking at his face, and I love aging with him and growing old together. I love it when he puts his arms around me, or when he lets me cuddle with him, or when he rubs my back. Just being with him brings me comfort and peace.

A popular proverb says, “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we will ascend together.” Notice the verb in this phrase is “lift”, not “tear down”. I have learned that a marriage will never ascend if the two partners in it tear one another down instead of lift up each other up. At Christmas of 2009, I wrote this about my marriage, which is a glimpse of how Josh has lifted me up through the years.
We began dating just weeks before I was to leave for SUU, a college that was 5 hours away from Tremonton! I loved dating Josh. He was tall, dark, and handsome! I was drawn to his "nice guy" appearance and attitude. He was quiet and mysterious. He was a good listener and so understanding to my frustrations of life at that time. He was considerate and kind to me. After a week of dating, he was the first to say "I love you" after we returned home from watching a lame Batman movie in the theater. I was caught off guard. I had strong emotions for him, more so than I'd ever felt for any man before that. And even though I was just a young 18, I knew that I was just as much in love with him.

It was difficult dating long distance, but we wrote letters multiple times a week, emailed back and forth frequently, and called each other daily. I was grateful for the way he could cheer me up, even from hundreds of miles away. It soon became apparent to me that I would rather spend my time with him rather than apart from him. So I quit college, along with my two scholarships, got married and moved back to Tremonton.

The first years of our marriage were difficult. But the good between us always prevailed, and we remained together through it all. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and my eternal partner. He has so much good in him, and I love him for who is. He’s been such a strength to me.

After delivering Ammon by C-Section, Josh helped me stand for the first time the next morning. I passed out in his arms from a lack of blood and had a seizure. He remained composed and helped the nurses bring me back to consciousness. He stayed by my side to assure me everything was alright.

After I delivered the twins C-Section 9 weeks premature, he spent time in the nursery with them as I remained practically comatose for 24 hours. He gave me hope and shared the positive aspects about their situation until I was able to really see them the following morning. He helped me that morning by scrubbing my legs because after having surgery I was unable to bend over to do it myself, but it needed to be done. It was a very humbling moment for me, and it reminds me so much of the image of Christ scrubbing his apostles feet. I was never more in love with him than that moment alone!

After Kanyon was born by C-Section, he held the puke box in front of me and rubbed my back after the medication made me so sick I couldn't even see straight. I felt terrible, but he understood and was so loving. He held Kanyon by me and he helped the nurses assist me as much as possible.

He's a great father and loves to play with our boys. They look up to him and emulate him; Josh makes them laugh, he does fun activities with them, and enjoys wrestling around and playing in the yard with them. I'm grateful for the priesthood that he holds and uses in our home, and for the example that he is to me and my four sons.

I want to reiterate something I quoted earlier in my talk by Pres. Eyring: “Heavenly Father has made each of us unique. No two of us have exactly the same experiences. No two families are alike. So it is not surprising that advice about how to choose happiness in family life is hard to give”. I’ve struggled with what to share with you today about my marriage. I know that everyone has different relationships, and just because these things have worked in my marriage doesn’t mean it is what’s best for you and yours. But I do know this is true: learning to love the Lord can edify and strengthen a marriage. As the scripture states: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” When I make good choices and am filled with the spirit, I can feel the love that my Savior has for me, and this in turn makes it easier to find the good in others and to love them as He does, including the way I see my husband and the love I feel for him.

I know that I am a daughter of God. I know that He loves me and that He sent his son Jesus Christ to be the Savior of the world. I know that because of the atonement, we can live again after this life, and this enables families to be together forever. I know this to be true, and I feel so happy that if I keep my covenants and try to live a celestial marriage by the choices I make every day that I get to spend forever with my sweetheart. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."