Painful but true

I never thought of myself as a quitter, but I realized yesterday that I am.

At the first hint of pain, whether it's physical or emotional, I want out--I just want to quit. Here are some recent examples...

When Josh and I went on vacation 2 weeks ago, we spent one of the days at Arches National Park. We drove around the park, and we went on multiple walks & hikes to see some of the arches in the park. The last thing we planned on seeing before leaving the park that day was the famous Delicate Arch, which is a 3-mile hike from the road. I wasn't sure I could walk anymore, since we'd already walked/hiked 3.5 miles that day. I told Josh I needed to wait a while before starting the long hike because my feet and legs were already killing me from all of the other walks/hikes we went on. He started without me because he was determined to see it, and I didn't know if I'd make it. After a half hour, my legs were feeling better (I get shin splints really bad) so I started hiking up the trail. About halfway there, Josh was on his way back down from seeing the arch, and I planned on turning around right then and going back to the car with him. Instead, he turned around and pushed me to finish the hike to see the arch! I wanted to quit during the steep section, but he continued to push me to keep going. And I'm glad that he insisted that I not turn around, because otherwise I never would've walked to Delicate Arch on my own. I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up, but because of Josh I didn't.

A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine hurt my feelings. I was experiencing some difficult circumstances and I was upset, and rather than showing compassion or kindness, she was rude and belittling to me. It was a painful experience, and I immediately wanted out. I withdrew from the friendship, and I stopped any interactions that I would have with her so that I wouldn't have to see her or confront her. I didn't want to feel the pain again that I had from that experience, so I backed out of the friendship.

Even with these recent experiences, it wasn't until yesterday that I actually realized how common my habit of quitting has become. Last night I went to an hour-long Zumba class for the first time. Zumba is an exercise routine that incorporates aerobics and dancing. After being in the class for 35 minutes, I wanted to quit. My body was sore and tired and I was sweating all over. I just wanted to be done already. But I kept telling myself repeatedly in my head "I can do hard things". And I didn't quit, I stayed until the end of class, but after that half-way point in the class, I stopped putting all my energy into the work-out. At the end of the class, I swore to myself that I would never return because I felt so fat, and out-of-shape, and insecure about my body and my soul. I talked to my friend and to my husband about my feelings, and the pain I felt physically and emotionally. As I laid down to sleep last night, tears ran down my cheeks and onto my pillow as evidence of what I felt.

Today my legs and shoulders hurt, but the pain is good. The pain is a reminder to me that my body is functioning and that I used parts of my body I haven't in a long while. I told myself at the end of class last night that it would be easier to stay home in the evenings and not exercise, it would be easier to hang out on the couch after working at the school all day, it would be easier to never go back to the class. But, I don't think that's what I need or what my body needs. I have gained back the 18 pounds I lost last summer and I'm frustrated with my weight and I need motivation to keep exercising. Apparently, the "easier way" isn't the "best way". So, I think maybe I will go again after all. And I asked another friend of mine to go with me next time. Because even though it was painful and I wanted to quit, I need to go again for my body's sake.

The emotional and physical pain that I felt last night after attending the class really made me think about myself and what is going on with me. I thought about my recent experiences lately, and I realized that I have created a quitter mentality. I'm always thinking about quitting: I want to quit my jobs whenever I get stressed, I want to quit going to church when I have to prepare for a difficult lesson, I want to move away whenever I have a hard time with people, I want to quit my marriage whenever we have a fight. I want to quit every aspect of my life whenever things get hard and I feel any pain whatsoever. But if I were really to quit my jobs, quit going to church, quit all my friendships and my marriage, I would ultimately end up all alone and life would be meaningless. And I don't want to be alone. I like my jobs, I like where I live, I love my friends and my husband and family are my life. So, I need to change my mentality, because I CAN do hard things.

Even though it would've been easier to not go on the painful hike to see Delicate Arch, I never would have felt such joy at finally seeing the famous landmark without the difficult hike. Elder Paul V. Johnson in General Conference last Sunday said "the only way to see the views is to make the climb". The same was true with the hike to see the famous arch: it could not be seen on any part of the hike. I couldn't tell how far away it was, and I felt like I wasn't getting any closer to it since it wasn't in sight. That made the painful hike even harder for me, but thankfully, since Josh had hiked up to it right before me, he kept reasurring me that we were getting closer. At the end of the hike, the trail traverses a rock ledge just before arriving at the arch, and after turning at the end of the rock ledge, the delicate arch is visible and is a gorgeous sight to behold.

Orson F. Whitney said "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience, is wasted. All that we suffer, and all that we endure builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire". I know that I will never grow without experiencing the pain, and I will never change without feeling the pain. I want to be more like my husband, who I admire and appreciate so much. He's the exact opposite of me--he never gives up, he always takes challenges heads-on, and he always gives 100% to everything he participates in! I'm so grateful to have him as my never-ending partner!

Here's my new motto: I will not quit, I will choose to live, because I CAN do hard things!