Questionable Timing

I don't understand the timing of certain events in life. I know and understand the concept that my life is a gift from God, and that He is in charge of what ultimately happens in my life's timeline. But sometimes I just don't get why certain things happen at certain times.

At this time last year, Josh and I had a plan for 2010: move out of our old house in April, have the new home be moved onto the property in May, move everything from the old house into the new house during the summer, and I would start work in the fall. Everything went according to plan except the last part, the part where I would start a daytime job in in the fall.

As you may remember, last May I applied for the elementary music teacher position that was to start in September. It fit perfectly into our 'plan' for the year. The music teacher was retiring, and because of budget cuts, the school district changed the position from certified teacher to a classified, uncertified para position. That meant that anyone could apply for it and teach music, at a lower pay of minimum wage. Because I don't have a college degree, I was excited that I could apply for that job. I truly thought that I would get the job, too: I had volunteered at the school for years and I'm familiar with the staff and students, I have lots of experience working with children, I have a love of and experience with teaching and performing music, and I was friends with 2 of the 3 people who were interviewing. And I ALMOST got the job. I was told that my resume looked great, and my interview was great, and I came SO CLOSE to getting the job, but they decided to give the job to another candidate because she had a master's degree. I felt like the statement of being "overqualified for a job" was definitely true, and I couldn't believe they would hire someone with a master's degree for a job that earned only minimum-wage pay. In my heart, I knew the lady they hired wouldn't last--she didn't have experience working with children, and she was taking a major pay cut from her previous job.

I mourned the loss of that job all summer. I was depressed and upset and bitter. I was mad at my friend who didn't hire me, I was upset that I wasn't a good enough candidate to get the job, I was depressed that I couldn't fulfill my part of the 'plan' for the year. It felt like a catastrophe to my spirit. And it took me 5 long months to heal. In October, I finally forgave my dear friend who interviewed me and didn't hire me. I moved forward in my search for a job, applying for over a dozen jobs. Unfortunately, I didn't get a single one of them, either. Every time I found out I didn't get another job, it would throw me into a repetitive cycle of depression and acceptance. At first I always felt denied, incapable, unwanted, unworthy. And then I constantly reminded myself that my life was in God's hands, and that none of the jobs were "meant to be", and I would accept it and move on. After not getting another job that I really wanted in January, I decided to stop applying for new jobs. I felt like it just wasn't worth it to my spirit to keep applying and being denied and feeling depressed and going through the vicious cycle over and over again. I felt like God was letting me know that now was not the right time in my life to work during the day, and I was finally accepting that.

The fact is, I had a job--I just wanted a better one. I have been cleaning the credit union for 4 years and 4 months. I started cleaning it just a few months after I quit working there as a teller to stay home with my children. When I started working there, I was 6 months pregnant with Kanyon. I really liked the janitorial job in the beginning; it was a chance to get out of the house two nights a week and make money without having to put my kids in daycare. But the last year or so, I've hated it, because now that the twins and Ammon are in school all day, I feel like I'm leaving our family time to go to work, and I hate that. For over a year, I've been wanting a daytime job so that I can quit my cleaning job to be at home with my family in the evenings. I started hating my job so bad that I decided that I was going to quit it in March, regardless of whether or not I had a new job.

So after resigning myself to the fact that I wasn't applying for any more jobs, and after deciding I was quitting my cleaning job, guess what happened? I got a job. The lady that was the bookkeeper for the golf course retired, and since Josh works there, he put in a nice word for me. Without even applying, I got the job! I started doing the golf course bookkeeping in the middle of January. The job is slow right now because the golf course is closed, but once the golf course opens in March or April, my hours will increase. I do the work at home, and I'm very content with it.

And then at the beginning of February, the new elementary music teacher quit her job. I couldn't believe it. It angered me all over again, and brought up my old feelings (that I thought were resolved) that they should've hired me for that job in the first place. When the school district office called me and informed me of her resignation, they inquired if I would apply for the position. I told them that I didn't know if I would or not, because I just started a bookkeeping job. They asked me if I would substitute for that teacher for a week until they filled the job, and I agreed to do that. After weighing the pros and cons, I ultimately decided that I would apply for the position. And after a week of substituting, I interviewed for the position and got it. In addition to doing the bookkeeping for the golf course, I now teach music to over 350 students, grades K-5. Because Salmon schools have 4-day school weeks, I will do the golf course job on Fridays during the school year and all summer long when school is out.

It's been 2 weeks since I got hired at the school, and I don't feel as happy about it as I thought I would. Instead, I feel like I just won a consolation prize or something. It should've been my job from the beginning, and I still don't understand why it wasn't. It's difficult taking on a teacher's job mid-year. I have no idea what the classes have learned and what they haven't, I have to prepare for 4 grades' spring performances that will happen in the next few months, and two of the grades have no program even outlined or have started practicing song for it. The job has been been overwhelming and stressful, and in the last 3 weeks, I've been working 4 jobs: the school job, the golf course job, the cleaning job, and teaching piano lessons. This past week was the peak of stress since I started my new teaching job because Josh was gone for 3 days, so not only did I have to do all my jobs, but I also had to take Kanyon to and from daycare, and I had to make dinners and do all the house work, too. It was awful. And I'm exhausted. But--I made it. And I'm happy to announce that last night I cleaned the credit union for the last time. It was very rewarding to quit that job that I've hated for so long now.

The most disappointing part of my new job is the pay: since I'm a full-time employee, I qualify for benefits, but I won't start getting insurance until June. Because they will pay for my insurance year-round, they also have to pay my wages year-round. Since I'm not working in the summer, they have to ration my wages from the schoolyear so that I will get paid during the summer. And since I started working in the middle of February, they have only 3 months of work to divide between 7 months of pay. So, I figured it out and I'm essentially only making $3.00/hr right now. And I currently pay Kanyon's babysitter $2.00/hour. So in comparison to cleaning the bank, I'm working 8 times as many hours, but making less money. And that sucks. But, I do feel like there's at least a future for me in teaching music; I could never have made cleaning the credit union a lifetime job. And although I've been overwhelmed and stressed out the last few weeks, I think this job will be much more rewarding for me in the long run. So, even though Josh and I don't understand why this didn't happen last year when I wanted it and expected it, and even though it's overwhelming and difficult and stressful right now, and even though Kanyon is struggling with all the changes happening, and even though the pay is not good right now, I am glad I finally got the job, and I am looking forward to a brighter future!