Opposition

I know the basic and simple truth of opposition..."For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. (2 Nephi 2:11)"

So, since my last post was all about the peace and happiness and joy I've recently felt, it only seems fair that I should also post about some of the things in my life lately that have brought me turmoil and sadness and despair.

I hate the feeling of "being behind". Right now I am behind on....
...editing December's photos (therefore I have no new pictures to blog about just yet)
...making a Christmas gift for my parents: a 2011 photo calendar from me and my siblings (I still haven't received some photos to put on it from my family, and I hate that it's past Christmas and it's not even done yet)
...working on completing some of my 2010 goals (like ordering the rest of 2009's photos, and working on the England vacation scrapbook)
...balancing my checkbook (it's been almost a month since I last did it! ugh.)
...sending birthday cards to my siblings and family members (at what point does it become happy "early" birthday rather than happy "belated" birthday?!!)
And those are just a few of the items on my "I'm behind at" List"! It's not that I don't have the time to tackle these tasks, but for some reason, whenever I do have free time to kill, I would rather sit and stew over the thoughts of not accomplishing any of these things rather than actually trying to accomplish them! My self-motivation is lacking recently!!!

I've also been lacking lately in the self-worth department, mostly from trying to get a new part-time job. I've been cleaning the credit union for 4 years (since I quit working there). I used to love it--it was a chance to stay home with my boys during the day and escape from home twice a week in the evenings. But now that my boys are in school, I want to work during the day when they're gone so that I can be home with them at night. In the last 6 months, I've applied for over a dozen jobs that I would've really liked and that I would've been really good at--but I still haven't gotten a single one. I hate feeling like I wasn't good enough or smart enough or talented enough to get any of the jobs. I hate the application process, I hate the waiting time between the interview and the rejection letter, I hate the time immediately following that's full of thoughts of all my inadequacies, and I hate experiencing the whole painful process over and over again.

But, after receiving the rejection letter, and after experiencing all those feelings of worthlessness, I remind myself that the perfect job for me is still out there waiting for me, and I remain faithful and hopeful that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and that He knows what is best for me. I also remind myself of my blessings every time I don't get a job; I tell myself that I'm lucky to be home during the day with Kanyon, that I'm lucky to be able to volunteer my time in the other boys' classrooms, that I'm lucky I have a husband who financially supports our family, that I'm lucky to live in this new home and spend time being in it and enjoying it, and that I'm lucky to be where I'm at at this point of my life.

And of course, that brings me back to feeling content with the opportunities and blessings that I've been given. So, opposition is good: for without my feelings of despair, I would not realize my joy, without the sadness I feel, I could not experience happiness, without having turmoil in my life, I wouldn't recognize the peace in it.