Always on My Mind

On September 22, 2003 my life changed forever. That was the day our twins were born-9 weeks premature. I had a C-Section, and was really out of it the whole day. The next morning I was very alert, so Josh wheeled me into the NICU so that I could see my new little babies. They were so tiny (3 lb 5 oz and 3 lb 8 oz) and they looked so sick hooked up to so many machines and monitors. Only 5 minutes after actually seeing my babies for the first time, the NICU Pediatrician informed Josh and I that they weren't doing so well; Micah needed to have heart surgery and Jonah needed a more powerful ventilator for his lungs. We were shocked and scared. The Dr. felt that they needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital with a better NICU facility. I had the choice of sending them to St. Lukes in Boise or Primary Childrens in SLC. I chose Primarys, because even though it is further from Salmon, it was closer to my parents' home in Tremonton.

That afternoon, Jonah and Micah left on a hospital airplane in two little incubators on wheeled stretchers, hooked up to multiple monitors and machines. I thought that I might never see them again. Then Josh and my mom left in the car for Salt Lake to be with the babies. Because of my C-Section, I had to stay at the hospital in Idaho Falls. Alone. For 3 more days. It was the worst time of my entire life. When I was finally released, my dad came up to Idaho Falls and drove me to Salt Lake. A few days after I arrived in SLC, Josh had to leave me to go home and go back to work and take care of Ammon. And I was once again alone. But at least this time, I could be with the twins. Their stay at Primary Childrens lasted 3 weeks, but because the NICU was being remodeled and since the twins' status was no longer critical, they were again transferred back to EIRMC in Idaho Falls.

The twins remained there until the end of the November, when they finally got to come home a day before their due date. The two months they were in the hospitals was the most difficult time of my entire life. I got post-partum depression, but didn't realize it until later. I had to be strong at the time, and didn't really start falling apart emotionally until after the twins came home. I struggled for years with my emotions and my experience. And now I can't stop thinking about it. This is why:

Josh's best friend Ryan married Josh's cousin Heidi. Ryan & Heidi were married several months before us, and have lived in Boise ever since, so we usually see them a couple times a year. This fall, they announced that they were pregnant! This was their first pregnancy, so EVERYONE was so excited for them! Then we learned that they were pregnant with TWINS!!! An even bigger wow! Then we found out they were going to have 2 girls! We couldn't wait! Then, the next thing we heard was that the twins had arrived, at only 25 1/2 weeks gestation. Everything in her pregnancy had gone well until then; she got up the morning of February 12, had labor pains, and delivered the girls not long after. Ayla was 1 lb 6 oz and Zoey was 2 lb. Ryan and Heidi email everyday, with updates of Ayla and Zoey's status, detail by detail of their fight for life. If you've ever had a premie in a NICU, you know that life changes minute by minute, hour by hour. I'm grateful for this form of communication with them. Josh was able to see Ryan and Heidi and visit Ayla & Zoey in the hospital last week. I can't stop thinking about them, praying for them, crying for them, fasting for them. My heart and mind are always with them and their tiny and precious daughters. And this, in turn, brings me back constantly to my own period of NICU life. And I am finally healing.