In January, Josh was gone several weekends. Now that he drives bus for the school as his 2nd job (thanks to ObamaCare, he needed another job that offered insurance), he occasionally drives for school athletic trips. And since Salmon is so isolated, sometimes those trips are all-day, or overnight, or several days and nights. In January, he was gone several weekends in a row due to wrestling meets and Jr. High basketball games.
I don't sleep good when Josh is gone. I miss his warm body in bed next to mine. I miss his sleeping noises that are like a white-noise machine at night for me. I miss the security that having him home gives me. My king-size bed feels so empty, and it's hard for me to fall asleep and feel comfortable when he's not here.
So on those weekends when he was gone, I stayed up late watching movies to help me fall asleep. I picked a few movies from our dating days to watch--older flicks that I haven't seen in years--and DVR'd them in advance so I would have something to watch that helped me feel closer to Josh in his absence. These two movies had real significance to me during our courtship:
AND
This is why: One weekend after we were engaged, Josh drove down to visit me at SUU in Cedar City. My roommates were going to watch "Out of Africa". I had never seen it, and they said it was good. So we all piled into one of my roommate's rooms to watch it on her TV. Josh absolutely hated it. It was a very slow love story and it completely bored him, so after about an hour or so, he couldn't take it any more, and we quit watching it. He's never forgiven me for making him sit through it! And we never even got to watch the ending! So, 16 years later, I finally watched it by myself, and all the way to the end this time! It was long, and I ended up watching it over the course of two days.
The movie "Up Close & Personal" was one that we rented and watched while we were dating. It was a fabulous movie, and its theme song "Because You Loved Me" became our love song while we dated. I loved the movie so much, I even bought the video (and still own it). It also took me two days to finish watching it in January (I fell asleep at night watching it, then had to finish it the next afternoon).
After I had seen both, I started thinking about the similarities between the two movies.
They both:
1. made me cry.
2. had strong, independent female characteres
3. had plots that included the female character moving to a new place and making a life for herself.
4. included the strong females meeting a man that helped shape their new life
5. had Robert Redford as the main male character.
6. had marriage proposals presented by the women to Redford.
7. {Spoiler alert} ended with him dying in an accident.
8. concluded with the woman becoming successful.
I enjoyed watching both films, and viewing the sad chick flicks validated my lonely feelings for Josh. I appreciated the stories and the portrayals of these strong women and unapologetic men. But then, for weeks afterward, I couldn't stop thinking about what the point of both of these movies were. Was it to show that women are weak when men are in their lives? Or was it to show that women can be strong and independent despite men's involvement with their lives? Was it to show that without men, women wouldn't advance as much in their careers? Or was it to show that women can be just as strong as men?
I initially watched both because I was missing Josh, and perhaps I was reading too much into the intentions of the films since I was feeling lonely. Both of these women experienced loneliness--both while their loves were alive, and then again when they died. Both women suffered setbacks because of loneliness, and then ultimately, both women lived through their hardships to become successful. In "Out of Africa", after losing her plantation in Africa, and her marriage, and the love of her life to death, she still became a successful author. In "Up Close & Personal", after sacrificing so much to support her sister, and losing her identity at times, and the loss of her husband to death, she still because a successful national news anchor.
So when I was trying to think of what the lesson was in both of these films, and the similarities between the story lines, I started thinking about how I am like these women. I am an independent girl who likes doing things on my own. I like to have things done my way, and being in control of situations. I am successful in my current career of teaching elementary music. I consider myself a very capable girl. But, although I pride myself on being independent, I'm also very dependent on Josh--not in my career or in my church callings or in my activities; rather, I'm emotionally dependent on him. He is my rock, and I rely on him to listen to me, and help motivate me, and be my companion. He levels my major mood swings: he lifts me up and he calms me down, he talks sense into me and helps me understand complicated issues, he works together with me to raise our children, and he loves me and is a good example of patience and kindness, and being with him makes me a better person.
After all this pondering, I came to the conclusion that for me the lesson in both movies is this: women are capable, very capable, of becoming the person they want to be, with or without men's involvement. But when women open their hearts to love, and when that love is reciprocated, their lives become enriched and have so much more depth. Life has so much more meaning and purpose when love fills our hearts.
When Josh was gone several weekends in a row, I missed him. I got by just fine without him being home--I got everyone to their appointments, I made meals, the housework got accomplished, the house stayed warm, and things got done. All those same things get done when he's home, too, but when he's here, even the simplest tasks have more meaning. Because when he is with me, my heart feels so much more full, but when he's absent, my heart feels so...void.
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